Goofy looking children

Goofy-looking children can only help your cause.

So, as a politician, you have to get away from the High School popularity game and really start caring for people. Certainly, we have more than a few historical examples of people that were unusually cruel and dictatorial, but that doesn't really fly anymore. You have to be Barney the purple dinosaur on the side of the majority.

You think I might know something about that? No way, man. People like me, but it's more you're-that-funny-but-annoying-and-incessant-comedian kind of way. I'm sorry, but you're on your own with this.

Regardless, they tell me these are some of the things you should do to win over the love and affection of more voters. And when I say love and affection, I don't mean literally.

1. Ask For The Vote

These days, a lot of people are on auto-pilot, you know? If some people aren't actively engaged at the event (which is definitely possible; we're talking about a political event, after all) and they've been reduced to mindless zombies, chances are pretty good that they'll do what you tell them to do. Never underestimate the power of directly asking what you want people to do for you.

When I used to live with my buddy Zack, he'd always be playing video games, and once he started playing, he couldn't focus on anything else. One time I asked him for 20 bucks, and he said "yeah, whatever", so I started making increasingly bigger demands. That's how his Corolla ended up in the middle of the lake. It's his fault for not paying attention.

2. Make Convincing Points

It doesn't really matter if the points you're making are directly related to the work you intend to do or not. The idea is to get people nodding along in agreement as much as possible. After getting voters to say 'yes' enough times, convincing them to vote for you should be simple.

It's like kindergarten kids. If you say anything with enough enthusiasm, your words will be reciprocated with resounding cheers.

i.e. "Michael Jackson was one of the most noteworthy pop stars of all time, was he not?"

3. Be Personable

One of the challenging parts about being a politician is that you have to be friendly and kind and personable regardless of the situation. You never know when you might piss off the wrong person. You can't just be fake and plastic. Like, you really have to love everyone.

I don't know how anyone does it, but if you're a politician, that's what you should aspire to. If people like you, and you speak for the people, you'll win over more voters.

4. Be Uniquely You

Yeah, yeah. We've all been to grade school. Scientifically, there has never been - nor will there ever be - another you.

The point here is that you can't just throw on a mullet wig and a pair of Aviator sunglasses and a leather jacket. No, wait. What I meant to say was that you can't act like someone else. You have to be you. That was it.

So embrace who you are and don't try too hard to be someone else. If people don't like you as-is, they won't vote for you anyway. And that's just one of the many oxymoronic aspects of politics.

5. Avoid Clichés

It might be tempting to use clichés in your speeches, slogans and promotional material. However, overused buzzwords probably won't convert anyone over to your church of doom philosophy political agenda.

Be original and unique. Be you. Know what your political message is and be sure to infuse every part of your campaign with hot dog rolls your personality and message.

6. Express Common Concerns

Be the people's voice. See the world from their eyes and understand their challenges and troubles. If possible, use the language they use to describe their outlook and perspective on daily life.

It's like The Rock from WWE back in the day. Even his moves had the word "people" in it ('The People's Elbow', for instance). He was everyone's hero.

If you've been too far removed from the world (i.e. you've been living under a rock), you may have forgotten what it's like to be in a common person's shoes. Get that back. Strive to understand their world again.

7. Study Your Opponents

There might be some opportunities to steal good ideas from your opponents, but that's not really the point here (or is it?).

No, you should mostly just be aware of what they are doing. Know what their campaign slogans are and what kind of filthy lies promises they are making.

8. Use Humor

Political campaigns (especially anti-slogans and anti-advertisements) are often laden with humor. If you are too careless with your words, your campaign will probably go over like a turkey dinner two days after Thanksgiving. Ugh.

This is why I could never run for office. I've always been wildly inappropriate whenever and wherever possible, in case you hadn't noticed.

9. Make People Feel Special

So, in addition to being personable, you should work on making people feel like rock stars. This goes hand-in-hand with being personable and loving everyone and all that humanitarian garbage.

Care for others more than you care about yourself and be genuine. Easier said than done, my friend.

10. Give Away A Custom Button

Free stuff will get people on your side, every time. Who doesn't like free stuff?

If you've got some sweet designs, it will help your cause for sure. With the advent of Photoshop, there's no excuse to have a poorly put-together product anymore.

Image: izzymunchted